Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I wish you could order shots online.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
