Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
