were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Randomize
