I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
