Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Congratulations! We have a period
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
