why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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