I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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