i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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