I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
