you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
It's official drugs can't kill me
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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