All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
