sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
