if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
