tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
