Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
