Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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