i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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