Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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