remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
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because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
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Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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