A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
