It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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