my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
