she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
