Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Randomize
