Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
We have started to decorate penises.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
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