i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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