I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
