Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
