Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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