You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
