And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
