You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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