Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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