you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Randomize
