The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
