i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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