whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
