absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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