I'm sorry my penis didn't work
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
