so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
