it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
