i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
