I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
this boner is exhausting
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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