hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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