I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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