forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
