If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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