u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
