I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
