My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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