ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Randomize
