No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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