where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
In other news, I just burned my penis
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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