He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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