I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
