His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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