how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I just found puke in my bra..
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
