There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Randomize
