Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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