You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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