the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
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work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
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Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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